The phil's thoughts

Found

2011-09-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

The place I stand, embrace or later retrace. Giving circumspect to singularity or crying out. What will be the definitive stroke to this masterpiece of adulthood? Consistently followed by the reality my shadow casts...a longing for belonging can be abortive by nature or the slave to settle debts with said abscess. Will the clairvoyance evoke from a warm laugh? Perhaps an honest remark or familiar soul...whatever the source my solace is, it isn't revealed by any finite tribute or acclaim. Just a bare belief, i will be found.

The Artist

2011-07-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ideas of restoration

and love for theory notation

respond in reverberation.

Clefs align for presentation

result in commune adulation.

Sing to me with your heart so free

and a grip so tight of pulse that beats.

Attuned to needs of industry

with which it suffers atrophy.

Brave souls bridge gaps and usher belief

new school of thought, an uprising.

Creative lines exalt reprieve

pressure left from former defeat.

Uncharted ground is all he seeks...

2010-10-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

this time around

May I write this?

....with layers of progression I find the words. Not many, but enough...for now.

To walk with purpose, with healing.
To hold something you've always wanted.
To play the notes that made you whole.
To hear the rain fall and know...

You can be anyone, but I would rather it be you.

2010-08-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

rel·e·vance

Pronunciation: \ˈre-lə-vən(t)s\

Function: noun

Date: 1733

1 a : relation to the matter at hand b : practical and especially social applicability : pertinence
2 : the ability (as of an information retrieval system) to retrieve material that satisfies the needs of the user

So I've been sitting on this word for the last couple days and although the definition is concise I don't feel that it addresses the "heart" of it...

Shuttered light strobes through the fence across my face as I walk my city in the early hours. It's so still I can hear the buzzing of the traffic lights as they trade off. Sleep wasn't an option as rolling over started to feel like some sort of routine. Ok, so here I am with my thoughts and the quiet night sky, now what? I have the same sentiments during the day much less the bleak hours of the night, so will my lowered state of awareness bring me to new conclusions?

Marketing on a shop window brings me back from my daze. Where is everyone at when they read these ad slogans everyday? Does one soul feel any closer to self identification from these cheap imitations of what a life "should" look like? I have serious doubts toward that claim. But apparently if the right person is drinking or wearing it you will potentially have a shot at the same lifestyle. The problem isn't with the paid representative of said product but with our hopes to walk away from what we have for a life. As the storyline always plays through that song you feel as if were written just for you or that movie where you see yourself on the screen and the outcome you've always dreamed of. This message that resonates so close to you is simply relaying that you are in fact alive and in search of that place or idea to belong to.

No one shares these streets this late yet I wait for the crosswalk lights permission to proceed. Walking with shortened strides, infected thoughts of "What can I even do with my life at this point?" slow me down. My life is obviously different from yours but what threads do we share? Where do we reach to find our solace? And how long will that sanctuary of escape last this time? What could initiate the relevance of perspective for you and I?

Rebuttals start up from authors antiquity as I turn the corner to my apartment. One-liners and stanzas start surfacing to a moment I accommodate in the least but my heart beats out the logic to stop me in my tracks. I am as motionless as my surrounding at this hour yet my body feels as if it's in flight. Between Milton's "misplaced" Paradise, Eliot's Wasteland or Shelly and his interpretation of love I see the tie between who we allow to label us in our own lives and what we speak out on others is dire. Choice to receive the titles cast upon us is none but our own. Your relevance is limited to how deep you are willing to reach inside yourself. So I choose to walk with a renewed purpose to see myself past the projected expectations and invite you to do the same...but after you've had your morning coffee.

2010-06-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

What is it of beauty that soothes a peace in our breath? The simple symmetry of a tree lined country road that feeds a sense of balance or the strength of a red faced canyon who's rocky depths deal protection or the inviting curves of a woman that places the mind at ease. These are but a few elements that spur an ongoing search of the connection between sight and soul. The crux of this is what do we offer in return for this transcendent display...

Concious Sleep

2010-05-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Don't care who's listening
Don't care who hears
You're my wasted time
You're wasted years

I cant say
And I cant scream
But to breakaway
I'm starting to see

And as I walk away
From what remains
You sit in your spite
And your dark campaign

Oh why oh why
Did I even try
Now when I breathe
I exhale life

Days at a time
The weeks are behind
Years follow suit
And the fight grows inside

The night sky falls
And shadow hides
Our dreams march on
As secret whispers lie

My destiny mapped
By sky punched lights
The same ever glow
That inspired Eliot to write

So adieu to you
My adversary consumed
This volition moves on
Apathy you're through.

2010-01-21T18:08:00.000-08:00

de·liv·er·ance n.

1. The act of delivering or the condition of being delivered.

2. Rescue from bondage or danger.

3. A publicly expressed opinion or judgment, such as the verdict of a jury.

So there it is. The definition of what I exhale every time I breathe. It's been a while since I've felt this way, well I actually don't think I've ever felt this way. Through authors experience, melody of artists heart and brushstroke to visionaries canvas...I am undone, but free. The unyielding power of choice is something I have discussed recently and am still in awe of. What great potential we have once we believe in where we are going. This shift in thought has brought about a great deliverance in what I understand of this life.

Overwhelming, the options. In this freedom there is so much life to be lived, Chords to be played, Friends to laugh with and Coffee to drink. An evolution in me from protective pessimism to some innate blend of realism and optimism which makes me look at the state I'm in and whats around me to feel a new sense of hope.

2010-01-14T13:33:00.000-08:00

Covered in shadow as you darken my door

Jaded by damp souls who feel no more

An inevitable crossing of these lines pass

Pretense wrought wound as lies are cast.

2009-12-16T18:52:00.000-08:00

...as espresso and tables mingle, conversation and study share the background of a guitar. I wait, I watch. An obscure delight warms me to see life lived through the fellow patrons eyes. The steamed caffeine soothes my tongue yet sparks my memory, this time of reflection is an anchor in my travels.

2009-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

Frost

...in my past he saw my future, passing away decades before my birth. You needn't be knowledgeable of the tangent to see the trend. Was there a warning? And to what forum was it asserted? I'd like to think it was revealed to him by the formula of setting. Through the right rural revelation and countless of deaths devastation, being of what to come his articulation. Between epitaph and farmland the answer lies. To three words he proposed..."life goes on."

2009-11-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

choice (c̸ho̵is)

noun

the act of choosing; selection
the right, power, or chance to choose; option

So it's a simple word and a well understood definition. Then why is this "simple" word a mountain to climb over for so many? I'm really broken up inside by all the confusion and loaded pretense that keeps us from performing this seemingly straightforward action.

It's right there, so do it. Make the choice. Why is it not that easy? What have you built up in your mind that makes you almost scared to move in a different direction. If you aren't happy where you are then wouldn't there be a mental process of "hmmmm....I think something needs to change."? I've said it before about the civil war between your heart and mind. It's a vicious fight where reason over healing usually "wins". A false win but none the less the heart can only take defeat for so long and then it wont bother to put up a fight. And I honestly can't tell you how many times and in how many different settings I've heard the words uttered to me..."I just don't feel anymore. Why am I so numb?" Well I can't tell you what your tree of reason looks like for you but I can tell you what the root of this crippling growth is, it's fear.

Those four little letters swing the course of lives and generations like you wouldn't believe. Would fathers run from their sons if not for fear of failure? or a strong woman reject her own potential and take whats given from a shell of a man from a fear of loneliness? or an artist who dreams big but lives small out of a fear of rejection? To call this a crippling growth doesn't do it justice. I don't feel as if I'm being over dramatic on this point either. It's very real and I know you probably already disregarded some of this point due to this root in you. Don't take offense to this because it's true for you and me. We have a great deal of fear that we just overlook and chalk it up as just something you deal with in your day, but there is so much more than that and we settle before we even make it around the next corner! There is a life to be lived that is truly free of this fear. And you know what it is that holds you back, lies like "I better not mess this up because I can't do any better than this!"(if it's a friendship, a job, someone you love or a skill set) If you are holding on to this "familiar comfort" and you're not happy then I plead for you to make a choice....life is waiting.

2009-10-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

No matter what you tell yourself you can't always stop your feelings.
I by no means seek to be dramatic but there are times like right now
when I'd rather not feel anything. A deep breath and a distraction.
That's all I'm asking for at the moment. Oh to have the rush of oxygen
in my lungs to loosen the knot....cause it's not about who I was or
what I did, but what I can and will be. The pruning doesn't always
feel "fair" but if I want to go an inch further I have to let go. May
I decrease gracefully.

2009-10-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

it's eating at me....
I know the honest truth about me.
However I cannot get my heart to chip in with my thoughts, why such a variance?
Do they truly counter balance each other? Or do I just secretly enjoy holding onto pain?
Sounds sick to you?....well it is but I can't for the life of me let go of certain things. So what
do you hold onto to make it through to the other side?

Do you ever feel like you are the only one trapped?? That everyone around you has an
infinite freedom to basically do or be whatever they want, and you wanna know just how they got a hold of that. I'm forever on the outs with one person and i feel as if I'll never make it in the club....he keeps me on the end of everything and I just wanna find my way past his curve and
see what I'm in for a little sooner than he does. Some have just met him and some of you are subjected to not being allowed in his clique as well.....he's usually referred to as Hindsight. You might feel his intro a bit excessive but if you've been where I have with him it's not the half of it.
What a seemingly esoteric way of life.....I'm not shooting for the center, I would just like to belong.

2009-09-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

why do it? why do we make our way through this life? there are so many moments in this self aware existence that we stop to ask....but do you ever hear an answer? or do you just keep going since you haven't stopped breathing yet? artists, scientists, theologists all speculate but who has the clairvoyance to know whats past our sight? could it be the little moments throughout our lives when at an unexpected intersection through the foresight of providence we feel whole or "warm" inside due to a certain event? or person??

some say this is it. what you see is as deep as the rabbit hole goes. others give their lives in an effort to gain what riches are due them in light of their sacrifice. and then another camp has their eyes set on the return of something more. this last camp has set a course towards something not about them or the "tit for tat" lifestyle it has been marketed to be. who has the answers?

in the early hours or deep in the night my heart finds me off guard and has but little time to relay its needs. and sure enough it tells me it needs something more. not wants....needs. enter the conflict of more. more what? happiness? money? fulfilling career? i can rationalize almost anything but this pull is real. and in those moments it pulls hard. what "more" can i give this pull to satisfy its hunger?

forget being poetic, forget being clever. i know there is something more...

release us....

2009-08-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

tied up in my sheets, my future lies before me
as the fan flutters the pages loose, back and forth they blow.
its still in here...this book has stirred enough.
my thoughts entertain the choices of departure,
hesitance from a young obedience or plain fear, how do I know?
at times i wish my balance away, oh that i would finally fall...
and ill pick up the pieces of a fate decided.
Realized by a healing I cannot see, hope glistens as conscript listens to this plight.
I feel this fight for me. not much i can explain, as if i overheard from another room
in defense of me, the divine speaks towards the demonic's conceit. who am i to be fought for? are we all that different? together as elements to nurture or neglect, the children's mantle he will protect. my future is decided by the stand taken by generations past...

variance in the grey

2009-08-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

A life without a past, a history or reputation. A lack of patience for explaining the particulars of choices made. A barrier between who they were and who they strive to be. Is freedom the white washing of memories made and mistakes replayed? A complete severance from what was and hopes to what is?

Apologies wasted on paper, good intentions left lacking and a cry for time to heal. Its all so aggregated through fear and locked tight with folded arms. Why is anyone surprised when those dearest to us is hurt, for they are by default closest in proximity to our mistakes....

all I know is that saying when is the hardest part.

holding fast

2009-07-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

Pillar:def-A fundamental principle or practice; A vertical cylindrical structure standing alone.

Who decides who is going to be a pillar? Is it in our character? Were we forced into the decision by a parent's lack of stability? or is it in our genes?...My summation would be all of the above.
People say "oh, i have to be strong for this or that" but is that really whats on the order for the person they are being "strong" for?

Who do we help more when we make our attempts to be strong or available? Is it them or ourselves that receives the benefit? I try to find the balance in being of service and being strong for myself but am still confused in the why. I am tired and know its a lifestyle in a way but i need a break from "strength". Inclining my ear I wait to hear those words cry out to me....hold fast

2009-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

"We only hear what we listen for..."

2009-05-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

My thoughts bring around so much in a day...its all in release. I don't feel overwhelmed just conscious of the possibilities. Its when I reach out in the adversity I find my wholeness.

2009-04-28T23:54:00.001-07:00

...it's always a mixed bag of emotions when you ever look back and read things that were your reality and now it's simply a limp you have grown accustomed to. An old writing that i can vividly remember where i was and what i was thinking in those moments...going back and forth with a friend of mine we took turns explaining each others plight. I started...

Sand, It's everywhere.
My skin blisters from it's gusty sting
The glare from the sun
Shields the answers from my sight
as I walk through the desert

I fight to stay above my fears that congregate
and dare not settle to impersonate
for those who point and say
'that desert will claim your fate.'

Yet my fears collaborate with my foe
and those who point at my desert
have chosen to make it their own
I will be free
Once this tempered hope makes it to my heart

They mock me with their comfortable,
superficial shade
and though the temptation draws on my weakness
of planting in the sand
My tired heart knows this desert is only for a season
So I must continue to stand...

emotions overcast...

2009-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I wrote this a little while ago and still wonder why we choose to allow our emotions to dictate what we hear from ourselves and those around us. This state of disarray is easily remedied if we are objective but for a moment.

a thought, this thing that enters our mind when we wake. without having too much control of what that first one will be potentially sets the pace for our 16 hours of consciousness. well at least it does for me... ok, so im awake....now what? guess ill do whats expected and get ready for work (even though that doesnt answer my question). i mean who wants to add as part of their morning routine of freshly ironed clothes and mouthwash some overwhelming confusion to kick things off? well being aware of the foolishness of this question it still seems as though i do. of all the things to occupy my mind i choose uncertainty. emotions overcast my day...what is going on with me? i guess to borrow from an old author, "What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise." i know what i can be but tell me how am i supposed to get "there"?

sbucks

2009-04-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a room full of drinks. My neighbors preference of beverage and name written on their cups tell me more intentionally than they would omit purposefully. Color of shirt, choice of piercing, haircut and posturing cannot disguise the wounds. The fear, the clear lack of control and the simple unknown frightens everyone of these social drinkers.

2009-03-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

footprints.

eyes open, i drag myself to the shower.

keys, coffee...on to work.

the city is busy early this morning
and yet the commerce feels empty, hollow, not enough to keep my attention.
lacking confidence in my new tie, thoughts scramble yet they don't wander far.
the white noise of coworkers isn't enough either.

the view from the window of our floor, well the view.....
...its never looked this way before.
all these buildings, these marvels of architecture, they seemed in despair
i felt for the first time i noticed that they stood tall but they stood alone.
without a single email sent or memo read, it's lunchtime, and i have to get out.

elevator beeps, I'm almost there
fresh air will bring uniform to my thoughts
instead I'm distracted by the barren streets
its 12:42. there's usually not enough room to stand
and i feel as if this is the first time Ive ever seen the sidewalk.
decorated by old gum and a name scribbled when the cement was fresh.
further up i see a set of footprints.
wondering what business office they led to as i glanced down.
who could be in such a hurry they didn't notice stepping in recent construction?
inquisitive, naturally i have to follow them
it might seem cliche or just desperate for adventure
but these steps felt different than most.
i don't even know how to explain but they had purpose.

striding down 7th street i take a look back and realize Ive walked 6 blocks already but more importantly the right footprint has started to change.
the left was a solid print but the right from the beginning was a sort of...limp?
intrigued. i continue to pursue even though I'm well past my portioned meal time. tell me more i think to myself as if the prints could answer back.
i continue my trek without hesitation. noticing some used bandages that were shed... i rush over.
they were dirty as expected but from stains of resentment and fear?
...what does that mean??

regardless my lack of understanding my pursuit continues.
I'm thrown by the image
what was on that compress that mended such a wound?
i ensue to see whats next.
something....there just has to be something soon
i just cant stop here
wait...
what is it?
cursing my legs inability to move faster
...a coat? a worn out coat?
what could this mean?
kneeling down, hesitant to touch it as if I'm afraid of its origin
its heavy.....inspecting it i feel the weight of others opinion
like an undertow it pulls
moreover than the depth of the tattered coat i wonder how the owner shed such a burden?
i sense a flicker
a glint of hope for myself.
my thoughts pause...
where are these indentions guiding me?

i loosen my "power" tie as it starts to choke
the afternoon sun cascades as the buildings shade from the skyline to the street.
i have to move
i have to know where this goes.
a debate has begun
a classic one at that
mind vs. soul
and the reigning champ in the corner preparing the usual justifying arguments.
i feel different...my soul resilient
a fighting chance to...
don't get too excited just keep walking.
dusk is on me
i see a shape by the wayside.
its in pieces
but what is it?
kneeling i turn a bigger piece over
its a part of someones face...well correction, it was.
was this not their real face? its some sort of make shift mask...
pieces of it shattered others melted from the skin
and it made me wonder just where these footsteps had been.

right then i couldn't believe i had never realized
these footsteps are someones past,
and though i don't know who's they are
i see from where they've come.

sight, vision, some sense of clarity...I'm motionless.
tonight, under this sky i look up and even the air is dark.
understanding in a wave washes over me and the implications are sobering.
i reluctantly turn my head to look back...there they are.
my footprints.

just as i have followed and grown,
others will cross mine and know...

following your past made my future.....

a swell in the tide...

2009-02-10T23:56:00.000-08:00

a cage?
a cage of my own creation?
i stay in what i can just walk out of?
a demise sealed by just what i feel?
could it really be that tough?
agree with the authority in me
He being the centerpiece of all that i cleave?

Surely there is more...
more that is required of me
something to earn what is free
a hoop or two to jump through
a point system to relieve
the cost of this freedom received.

oh the pain of regret
in this shame i reject
clothed in fear i recess
am i worth to possess?

but still a generation's mantle neglected?
i feel the deep tide swell
the winds of change will tell

washed up to land a leader stands

will you follow and make demands?
there is truth in the tide
take up your cloak, you know of the one i speak

Stand together
Speak your Truth
Hold fast
...it's coming soon

You can plan all day...

2008-10-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

So i find it interesting when everything works as it should yourself caring for someone and they make a choice which to them seems to be just on their behalf and you soon both realize the grip their actions inadvertently have on your heart.I tend to not find myself as a dramatic person but this time it got my attention. It sure is easy to sling blame as well as other things in amidst frustration but when i choose this course i often find myself lacking in the desired outcome.

I really just want to be a better me. So as good intentions will always leave you lacking, I suggest for a moment to be real and see how that works out for ya.....its not any easier at first but it actually has a payoff,TRUST.

a crescendo in passing

2008-10-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

....my lack of visits here exposes my current lifestyle. At what point can this all be feasible, does everyone's hearts dart in a thousand directions? I'm beginning to see that rest is more of a mindset not a certain time to sleep in till. It's been a trying month for the limits of my bodies facilities but i don't want to come across as complaining or ungrateful. Two nights ago after my class ended early I b-lined it to the ocean. It's a smaller beach but I've grown a strong affection for it. I joke with myself in believing it shares the same sentiment towards me.... but how could it not care for me as it sends a fresh wind from the evenings horizon and soothes me with steady wave to wash away the cares of the day. After our visits i always leave in appreciation for this visions offer of sanity. I think I'll just stop here with the grin this writing has left me with.

....patience

2008-06-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

....so paul goodman has just jumped into my list of honest authors. He decided to share and so did I, "Patience is drawing on underlying forces;it is powerfully positive, though to a natural view it looks like just sitting it out. How would i persist against positive eroding forces if i were not drawing on invisible forces? And patience has a positive tonic effect on others; because of the presence of the patient person, they revive and go on, as if he were the gyroscope of the ship providing a stable ground. But the patient person himself does not enjoy it."

I really enjoy the honesty of this role, and the fact that it must be done.

means....or an end

2008-05-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

so i'm kinda tired...but i dont know when its all supposed to come together and slow down.(don't worry i am aware that it actually doesnt,but one would hope) I guess a few hints at where im headed would be nice. i think thats a reasonable request, im not asking for the whole answer just a hint.Or is there a gate on the walls of your mind you could lead these worries to and release 'em for someone else to pick up. Not to be cruel to the next victim but its our choice to pick these idle things up or let them be.

A new life is what Ive been up to as of late...honestly it kinda takes up a bit of your time.
I'm not too sure what it looks like from an outside point of view but i hope its not too much of an eyesore while its under some moderate construction. So while all this is underway ill lean on the one heart that's never a risk....

adverse awareness....

2008-04-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

...in all my thoughts the recurring reality,I'm missing a part of me.

....to what do I rest in?

2008-04-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I've been kinda busy lately with just "stuff" pulling me in every direction. I have the practical things on one side, ambition on another, and my heart fending for the scraps. Seeking out some sense of joy out of all this seems a bit much. I really am not in the mood for this at the moment. You know if someone else was sharing with me these particular concerns in their life I don't think I'd have too much difficulty sharing hope and the reality of the nature of their situation. A reminder I would serve with love...a reminder that the greater the cost through tests and trials the greater the value in your situation. There are so many dreadful cliches but this one has rang true countless times for me already. I can say I'm not chasing any particular feeling but more of a deliberate posture in my heart. I know who I am....it's just a matter of being that while I'm awake.

a start to just why I'm me

2008-04-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

I came across this excerpt and found it extremely appropriate.It holds answers to peoples observations of my choice of lifestyle to an extent...."Because the life of the Christian hermit, both in ancient and in modern times, is rooted in the Desert Theology of the Old Testament, it is a life entirely given to the praise of God and the love and – through the hermit's penance and prayers – also the service of all humanity. The latter is crucial to the correct understanding of the eremitic vocation, since the Judeo-Christian tradition holds that God created man (i.e. the individual human being) relational,^[1] which means that solitude can never be the purpose of any Christian vocation but only a conducive environment for striving after a particular spiritual purpose that forms part of our common human vocation.

..after reading this the truth of going through something on your "own" without others around is at times painful but promising.the hurt notifies you of growth.After, you can see past your pain you can truly see the worth of others and the need for relationships in your life.Your time is your time but what good are you if you can't share the Love and Truth you have received to share with others.Simply put if you stay in the "desert" you end up keeping the Love for yourself and going against the whole point,so why better yourself if you can't share?