...as espresso and tables mingle, conversation and study share the background of a guitar. I wait, I watch. An obscure delight warms me to see life lived through the fellow patrons eyes. The steamed caffeine soothes my tongue yet sparks my memory, this time of reflection is an anchor in my travels.

Frost

...in my past he saw my future, passing away decades before my birth. You needn't be knowledgeable of the tangent to see the trend. Was there a warning? And to what forum was it asserted? I'd like to think it was revealed to him by the formula of setting. Through the right rural revelation and countless of deaths devastation, being of what to come his articulation. Between epitaph and farmland the answer lies. To three words he proposed..."life goes on."

choice (c̸ho̵is)

noun

1. the act of choosing; selection
2. the right, power, or chance to choose; option

So it's a simple word and a well understood definition. Then why is this "simple" word a mountain to climb over for so many? I'm really broken up inside by all the confusion and loaded pretense that keeps us from performing this seemingly straightforward action.

It's right there, so do it. Make the choice. Why is it not that easy? What have you built up in your mind that makes you almost scared to move in a different direction. If you aren't happy where you are then wouldn't there be a mental process of "hmmmm....I think something needs to change."? I've said it before about the civil war between your heart and mind. It's a vicious fight where reason over healing usually "wins". A false win but none the less the heart can only take defeat for so long and then it wont bother to put up a fight. And I honestly can't tell you how many times and in how many different settings I've heard the words uttered to me..."I just don't feel anymore. Why am I so numb?" Well I can't tell you what your tree of reason looks like for you but I can tell you what the root of this crippling growth is, it's fear.

Those four little letters swing the course of lives and generations like you wouldn't believe. Would fathers run from their sons if not for fear of failure? or a strong woman reject her own potential and take whats given from a shell of a man from a fear of loneliness? or an artist who dreams big but lives small out of a fear of rejection? To call this a crippling growth doesn't do it justice. I don't feel as if I'm being over dramatic on this point either. It's very real and I know you probably already disregarded some of this point due to this root in you. Don't take offense to this because it's true for you and me. We have a great deal of fear that we just overlook and chalk it up as just something you deal with in your day, but there is so much more than that and we settle before we even make it around the next corner! There is a life to be lived that is truly free of this fear. And you know what it is that holds you back, lies like "I better not mess this up because I can't do any better than this!"(if it's a friendship, a job, someone you love or a skill set) If you are holding on to this "familiar comfort" and you're not happy then I plead for you to make a choice....life is waiting.

No matter what you tell yourself you can't always stop your feelings.
I by no means seek to be dramatic but there are times like right now
when I'd rather not feel anything. A deep breath and a distraction.
That's all I'm asking for at the moment. Oh to have the rush of oxygen
in my lungs to loosen the knot....cause it's not about who I was or
what I did, but what I can and will be. The pruning doesn't always
feel "fair" but if I want to go an inch further I have to let go. May
I decrease gracefully.

it's eating at me....
I know the honest truth about me.
However I cannot get my heart to chip in with my thoughts, why such a variance?
Do they truly counter balance each other? Or do I just secretly enjoy holding onto pain?
Sounds sick to you?....well it is but I can't for the life of me let go of certain things. So what
do you hold onto to make it through to the other side?

Do you ever feel like you are the only one trapped?? That everyone around you has an
infinite freedom to basically do or be whatever they want, and you wanna know just how they got a hold of that. I'm forever on the outs with one person and i feel as if I'll never make it in the club....he keeps me on the end of everything and I just wanna find my way past his curve and
see what I'm in for a little sooner than he does. Some have just met him and some of you are subjected to not being allowed in his clique as well.....he's usually referred to as Hindsight. You might feel his intro a bit excessive but if you've been where I have with him it's not the half of it.
What a seemingly esoteric way of life.....I'm not shooting for the center, I would just like to belong.

why do it? why do we make our way through this life? there are so many moments in this self aware existence that we stop to ask....but do you ever hear an answer? or do you just keep going since you haven't stopped breathing yet? artists, scientists, theologists all speculate but who has the clairvoyance to know whats past our sight? could it be the little moments throughout our lives when at an unexpected intersection through the foresight of providence we feel whole or "warm" inside due to a certain event? or person??

some say this is it. what you see is as deep as the rabbit hole goes. others give their lives in an effort to gain what riches are due them in light of their sacrifice. and then another camp has their eyes set on the return of something more. this last camp has set a course towards something not about them or the "tit for tat" lifestyle it has been marketed to be. who has the answers?

in the early hours or deep in the night my heart finds me off guard and has but little time to relay its needs. and sure enough it tells me it needs something more. not wants....needs. enter the conflict of more. more what? happiness? money? fulfilling career? i can rationalize almost anything but this pull is real. and in those moments it pulls hard. what "more" can i give this pull to satisfy its hunger?

forget being poetic, forget being clever. i know there is something more...

release us....

tied up in my sheets, my future lies before me
as the fan flutters the pages loose, back and forth they blow.
its still in here...this book has stirred enough.
my thoughts entertain the choices of departure,
hesitance from a young obedience or plain fear, how do I know?
at times i wish my balance away, oh that i would finally fall...
and ill pick up the pieces of a fate decided.
Realized by a healing I cannot see, hope glistens as conscript listens to this plight.
I feel this fight for me. not much i can explain, as if i overheard from another room
in defense of me, the divine speaks towards the demonic's conceit. who am i to be fought for? are we all that different? together as elements to nurture or neglect, the children's mantle he will protect. my future is decided by the stand taken by generations past...

variance in the grey

A life without a past, a history or reputation. A lack of patience for explaining the particulars of choices made. A barrier between who they were and who they strive to be. Is freedom the white washing of memories made and mistakes replayed? A complete severance from what was and hopes to what is?

Apologies wasted on paper, good intentions left lacking and a cry for time to heal. Its all so aggregated through fear and locked tight with folded arms. Why is anyone surprised when those dearest to us is hurt, for they are by default closest in proximity to our mistakes....

all I know is that saying when is the hardest part.

holding fast

Pillar:def-A fundamental principle or practice; A vertical cylindrical structure standing alone.

Who decides who is going to be a pillar? Is it in our character? Were we forced into the decision by a parent's lack of stability? or is it in our genes?...My summation would be all of the above.
People say "oh, i have to be strong for this or that" but is that really whats on the order for the person they are being "strong" for?

Who do we help more when we make our attempts to be strong or available? Is it them or ourselves that receives the benefit? I try to find the balance in being of service and being strong for myself but am still confused in the why. I am tired and know its a lifestyle in a way but i need a break from "strength". Inclining my ear I wait to hear those words cry out to me....hold fast

"We only hear what we listen for..."

My thoughts bring around so much in a day...its all in release. I don't feel overwhelmed just conscious of the possibilities. Its when I reach out in the adversity I find my wholeness.

...it's always a mixed bag of emotions when you ever look back and read things that were your reality and now it's simply a limp you have grown accustomed to. An old writing that i can vividly remember where i was and what i was thinking in those moments...going back and forth with a friend of mine we took turns explaining each others plight. I started...

Sand, It's everywhere.
My skin blisters from it's gusty sting
The glare from the sun
Shields the answers from my sight
as I walk through the desert

I fight to stay above my fears that congregate
and dare not settle to impersonate
for those who point and say
'that desert will claim your fate.'

Yet my fears collaborate with my foe
and those who point at my desert
have chosen to make it their own
I will be free
Once this tempered hope makes it to my heart

They mock me with their comfortable,
superficial shade
and though the temptation draws on my weakness
of planting in the sand
My tired heart knows this desert is only for a season
So I must continue to stand...

emotions overcast...

So I wrote this a little while ago and still wonder why we choose to allow our emotions to dictate what we hear from ourselves and those around us. This state of disarray is easily remedied if we are objective but for a moment.



a thought, this thing that enters our mind when we wake. without having too much control of what that first one will be potentially sets the pace for our 16 hours of consciousness. well at least it does for me... ok, so im awake....now what? guess ill do whats expected and get ready for work (even though that doesnt answer my question). i mean who wants to add as part of their morning routine of freshly ironed clothes and mouthwash some overwhelming confusion to kick things off? well being aware of the foolishness of this question it still seems as though i do. of all the things to occupy my mind i choose uncertainty. emotions overcast my day...what is going on with me? i guess to borrow from an old author, "What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise." i know what i can be but tell me how am i supposed to get "there"?

sbucks

I'm sitting in a room full of drinks. My neighbors preference of beverage and name written on their cups tell me more intentionally than they would omit purposefully. Color of shirt, choice of piercing, haircut and posturing cannot disguise the wounds. The fear, the clear lack of control and the simple unknown frightens everyone of these social drinkers.

footprints.

eyes open, i drag myself to the shower.

keys, coffee...on to work.

the city is busy early this morning
and yet the commerce feels empty, hollow, not enough to keep my attention.
lacking confidence in my new tie, thoughts scramble yet they don't wander far.
the white noise of coworkers isn't enough either.

the view from the window of our floor, well the view.....
...its never looked this way before.
all these buildings, these marvels of architecture, they seemed in despair
i felt for the first time i noticed that they stood tall but they stood alone.
without a single email sent or memo read, it's lunchtime, and i have to get out.

elevator beeps, I'm almost there
fresh air will bring uniform to my thoughts
instead I'm distracted by the barren streets
its 12:42. there's usually not enough room to stand
and i feel as if this is the first time Ive ever seen the sidewalk.
decorated by old gum and a name scribbled when the cement was fresh.
further up i see a set of footprints.
wondering what business office they led to as i glanced down.
who could be in such a hurry they didn't notice stepping in recent construction?
inquisitive, naturally i have to follow them
it might seem cliche or just desperate for adventure
but these steps felt different than most.
i don't even know how to explain but they had purpose.

striding down 7th street i take a look back and realize Ive walked 6 blocks already but more importantly the right footprint has started to change.
the left was a solid print but the right from the beginning was a sort of...limp?
intrigued. i continue to pursue even though I'm well past my portioned meal time. tell me more i think to myself as if the prints could answer back.
i continue my trek without hesitation. noticing some used bandages that were shed... i rush over.
they were dirty as expected but from stains of resentment and fear?
...what does that mean??

regardless my lack of understanding my pursuit continues.
I'm thrown by the image
what was on that compress that mended such a wound?
i ensue to see whats next.
something....there just has to be something soon
i just cant stop here
wait...
what is it?
cursing my legs inability to move faster
...a coat? a worn out coat?
what could this mean?
kneeling down, hesitant to touch it as if I'm afraid of its origin
its heavy.....inspecting it i feel the weight of others opinion
like an undertow it pulls
moreover than the depth of the tattered coat i wonder how the owner shed such a burden?
i sense a flicker
a glint of hope for myself.
my thoughts pause...
where are these indentions guiding me?

i loosen my "power" tie as it starts to choke
the afternoon sun cascades as the buildings shade from the skyline to the street.
i have to move
i have to know where this goes.
a debate has begun
a classic one at that
mind vs. soul
and the reigning champ in the corner preparing the usual justifying arguments.
i feel different...my soul resilient
a fighting chance to...
don't get too excited just keep walking.
dusk is on me
i see a shape by the wayside.
its in pieces
but what is it?
kneeling i turn a bigger piece over
its a part of someones face...well correction, it was.
was this not their real face? its some sort of make shift mask...
pieces of it shattered others melted from the skin
and it made me wonder just where these footsteps had been.

right then i couldn't believe i had never realized
these footsteps are someones past,
and though i don't know who's they are
i see from where they've come.

sight, vision, some sense of clarity...I'm motionless.
tonight, under this sky i look up and even the air is dark.
understanding in a wave washes over me and the implications are sobering.
i reluctantly turn my head to look back...there they are.
my footprints.

just as i have followed and grown,
others will cross mine and know...

following your past made my future.....

a swell in the tide...

a cage?
a cage of my own creation?
i stay in what i can just walk out of?
a demise sealed by just what i feel?
could it really be that tough?
agree with the authority in me
He being the centerpiece of all that i cleave?

Surely there is more...
more that is required of me
something to earn what is free
a hoop or two to jump through
a point system to relieve
the cost of this freedom received.

oh the pain of regret
in this shame i reject
clothed in fear i recess
am i worth to possess?

but still a generation's mantle neglected?
i feel the deep tide swell
the winds of change will tell

washed up to land a leader stands

will you follow and make demands?
there is truth in the tide
take up your cloak, you know of the one i speak

Stand together
Speak your Truth
Hold fast
...it's coming soon