You can plan all day...

So i find it interesting when everything works as it should yourself caring for someone and they make a choice which to them seems to be just on their behalf and you soon both realize the grip their actions inadvertently have on your heart.I tend to not find myself as a dramatic person but this time it got my attention. It sure is easy to sling blame as well as other things in amidst frustration but when i choose this course i often find myself lacking in the desired outcome.

I really just want to be a better me. So as good intentions will always leave you lacking, I suggest for a moment to be real and see how that works out for ya.....its not any easier at first but it actually has a payoff,TRUST.

a crescendo in passing

....my lack of visits here exposes my current lifestyle. At what point can this all be feasible, does everyone's hearts dart in a thousand directions? I'm beginning to see that rest is more of a mindset not a certain time to sleep in till. It's been a trying month for the limits of my bodies facilities but i don't want to come across as complaining or ungrateful. Two nights ago after my class ended early I b-lined it to the ocean. It's a smaller beach but I've grown a strong affection for it. I joke with myself in believing it shares the same sentiment towards me.... but how could it not care for me as it sends a fresh wind from the evenings horizon and soothes me with steady wave to wash away the cares of the day. After our visits i always leave in appreciation for this visions offer of sanity. I think I'll just stop here with the grin this writing has left me with.

....patience

....so paul goodman has just jumped into my list of honest authors. He decided to share and so did I, "Patience is drawing on underlying forces;it is powerfully positive, though to a natural view it looks like just sitting it out. How would i persist against positive eroding forces if i were not drawing on invisible forces? And patience has a positive tonic effect on others; because of the presence of the patient person, they revive and go on, as if he were the gyroscope of the ship providing a stable ground. But the patient person himself does not enjoy it."

I really enjoy the honesty of this role, and the fact that it must be done.

means....or an end

so i'm kinda tired...but i dont know when its all supposed to come together and slow down.(don't worry i am aware that it actually doesnt,but one would hope) I guess a few hints at where im headed would be nice. i think thats a reasonable request, im not asking for the whole answer just a hint.Or is there a gate on the walls of your mind you could lead these worries to and release 'em for someone else to pick up. Not to be cruel to the next victim but its our choice to pick these idle things up or let them be.

A new life is what Ive been up to as of late...honestly it kinda takes up a bit of your time.
I'm not too sure what it looks like from an outside point of view but i hope its not too much of an eyesore while its under some moderate construction. So while all this is underway ill lean on the one heart that's never a risk....

adverse awareness....

...in all my thoughts the recurring reality,I'm missing a part of me.

....to what do I rest in?

So I've been kinda busy lately with just "stuff" pulling me in every direction. I have the practical things on one side, ambition on another, and my heart fending for the scraps. Seeking out some sense of joy out of all this seems a bit much. I really am not in the mood for this at the moment. You know if someone else was sharing with me these particular concerns in their life I don't think I'd have too much difficulty sharing hope and the reality of the nature of their situation. A reminder I would serve with love...a reminder that the greater the cost through tests and trials the greater the value in your situation. There are so many dreadful cliches but this one has rang true countless times for me already. I can say I'm not chasing any particular feeling but more of a deliberate posture in my heart. I know who I am....it's just a matter of being that while I'm awake.

a start to just why I'm me

I came across this excerpt and found it extremely appropriate.It holds answers to peoples observations of my choice of lifestyle to an extent...."Because the life of the Christian hermit, both in ancient and in modern times, is rooted in the Desert Theology of the Old Testament, it is a life entirely given to the praise of God and the love and – through the hermit's penance and prayers – also the service of all humanity. The latter is crucial to the correct understanding of the eremitic vocation, since the Judeo-Christian tradition holds that God created man (i.e. the individual human being) relational,^[1] which means that solitude can never be the purpose of any Christian vocation but only a conducive environment for striving after a particular spiritual purpose that forms part of our common human vocation.

..after reading this the truth of going through something on your "own" without others around is at times painful but promising.the hurt notifies you of growth.After, you can see past your pain you can truly see the worth of others and the need for relationships in your life.Your time is your time but what good are you if you can't share the Love and Truth you have received to share with others.Simply put if you stay in the "desert" you end up keeping the Love for yourself and going against the whole point,so why better yourself if you can't share?