adverse awareness....

...in all my thoughts the recurring reality,I'm missing a part of me.

....to what do I rest in?

So I've been kinda busy lately with just "stuff" pulling me in every direction. I have the practical things on one side, ambition on another, and my heart fending for the scraps. Seeking out some sense of joy out of all this seems a bit much. I really am not in the mood for this at the moment. You know if someone else was sharing with me these particular concerns in their life I don't think I'd have too much difficulty sharing hope and the reality of the nature of their situation. A reminder I would serve with love...a reminder that the greater the cost through tests and trials the greater the value in your situation. There are so many dreadful cliches but this one has rang true countless times for me already. I can say I'm not chasing any particular feeling but more of a deliberate posture in my heart. I know who I am....it's just a matter of being that while I'm awake.

a start to just why I'm me

I came across this excerpt and found it extremely appropriate.It holds answers to peoples observations of my choice of lifestyle to an extent...."Because the life of the Christian hermit, both in ancient and in modern times, is rooted in the Desert Theology of the Old Testament, it is a life entirely given to the praise of God and the love and – through the hermit's penance and prayers – also the service of all humanity. The latter is crucial to the correct understanding of the eremitic vocation, since the Judeo-Christian tradition holds that God created man (i.e. the individual human being) relational,^[1] which means that solitude can never be the purpose of any Christian vocation but only a conducive environment for striving after a particular spiritual purpose that forms part of our common human vocation.

..after reading this the truth of going through something on your "own" without others around is at times painful but promising.the hurt notifies you of growth.After, you can see past your pain you can truly see the worth of others and the need for relationships in your life.Your time is your time but what good are you if you can't share the Love and Truth you have received to share with others.Simply put if you stay in the "desert" you end up keeping the Love for yourself and going against the whole point,so why better yourself if you can't share?