sbucks

I'm sitting in a room full of drinks. My neighbors preference of beverage and name written on their cups tell me more intentionally than they would omit purposefully. Color of shirt, choice of piercing, haircut and posturing cannot disguise the wounds. The fear, the clear lack of control and the simple unknown frightens everyone of these social drinkers.

footprints.

eyes open, i drag myself to the shower.

keys, coffee...on to work.

the city is busy early this morning
and yet the commerce feels empty, hollow, not enough to keep my attention.
lacking confidence in my new tie, thoughts scramble yet they don't wander far.
the white noise of coworkers isn't enough either.

the view from the window of our floor, well the view.....
...its never looked this way before.
all these buildings, these marvels of architecture, they seemed in despair
i felt for the first time i noticed that they stood tall but they stood alone.
without a single email sent or memo read, it's lunchtime, and i have to get out.

elevator beeps, I'm almost there
fresh air will bring uniform to my thoughts
instead I'm distracted by the barren streets
its 12:42. there's usually not enough room to stand
and i feel as if this is the first time Ive ever seen the sidewalk.
decorated by old gum and a name scribbled when the cement was fresh.
further up i see a set of footprints.
wondering what business office they led to as i glanced down.
who could be in such a hurry they didn't notice stepping in recent construction?
inquisitive, naturally i have to follow them
it might seem cliche or just desperate for adventure
but these steps felt different than most.
i don't even know how to explain but they had purpose.

striding down 7th street i take a look back and realize Ive walked 6 blocks already but more importantly the right footprint has started to change.
the left was a solid print but the right from the beginning was a sort of...limp?
intrigued. i continue to pursue even though I'm well past my portioned meal time. tell me more i think to myself as if the prints could answer back.
i continue my trek without hesitation. noticing some used bandages that were shed... i rush over.
they were dirty as expected but from stains of resentment and fear?
...what does that mean??

regardless my lack of understanding my pursuit continues.
I'm thrown by the image
what was on that compress that mended such a wound?
i ensue to see whats next.
something....there just has to be something soon
i just cant stop here
wait...
what is it?
cursing my legs inability to move faster
...a coat? a worn out coat?
what could this mean?
kneeling down, hesitant to touch it as if I'm afraid of its origin
its heavy.....inspecting it i feel the weight of others opinion
like an undertow it pulls
moreover than the depth of the tattered coat i wonder how the owner shed such a burden?
i sense a flicker
a glint of hope for myself.
my thoughts pause...
where are these indentions guiding me?

i loosen my "power" tie as it starts to choke
the afternoon sun cascades as the buildings shade from the skyline to the street.
i have to move
i have to know where this goes.
a debate has begun
a classic one at that
mind vs. soul
and the reigning champ in the corner preparing the usual justifying arguments.
i feel different...my soul resilient
a fighting chance to...
don't get too excited just keep walking.
dusk is on me
i see a shape by the wayside.
its in pieces
but what is it?
kneeling i turn a bigger piece over
its a part of someones face...well correction, it was.
was this not their real face? its some sort of make shift mask...
pieces of it shattered others melted from the skin
and it made me wonder just where these footsteps had been.

right then i couldn't believe i had never realized
these footsteps are someones past,
and though i don't know who's they are
i see from where they've come.

sight, vision, some sense of clarity...I'm motionless.
tonight, under this sky i look up and even the air is dark.
understanding in a wave washes over me and the implications are sobering.
i reluctantly turn my head to look back...there they are.
my footprints.

just as i have followed and grown,
others will cross mine and know...

following your past made my future.....

a swell in the tide...

a cage?
a cage of my own creation?
i stay in what i can just walk out of?
a demise sealed by just what i feel?
could it really be that tough?
agree with the authority in me
He being the centerpiece of all that i cleave?

Surely there is more...
more that is required of me
something to earn what is free
a hoop or two to jump through
a point system to relieve
the cost of this freedom received.

oh the pain of regret
in this shame i reject
clothed in fear i recess
am i worth to possess?

but still a generation's mantle neglected?
i feel the deep tide swell
the winds of change will tell

washed up to land a leader stands

will you follow and make demands?
there is truth in the tide
take up your cloak, you know of the one i speak

Stand together
Speak your Truth
Hold fast
...it's coming soon

You can plan all day...

So i find it interesting when everything works as it should yourself caring for someone and they make a choice which to them seems to be just on their behalf and you soon both realize the grip their actions inadvertently have on your heart.I tend to not find myself as a dramatic person but this time it got my attention. It sure is easy to sling blame as well as other things in amidst frustration but when i choose this course i often find myself lacking in the desired outcome.

I really just want to be a better me. So as good intentions will always leave you lacking, I suggest for a moment to be real and see how that works out for ya.....its not any easier at first but it actually has a payoff,TRUST.

a crescendo in passing

....my lack of visits here exposes my current lifestyle. At what point can this all be feasible, does everyone's hearts dart in a thousand directions? I'm beginning to see that rest is more of a mindset not a certain time to sleep in till. It's been a trying month for the limits of my bodies facilities but i don't want to come across as complaining or ungrateful. Two nights ago after my class ended early I b-lined it to the ocean. It's a smaller beach but I've grown a strong affection for it. I joke with myself in believing it shares the same sentiment towards me.... but how could it not care for me as it sends a fresh wind from the evenings horizon and soothes me with steady wave to wash away the cares of the day. After our visits i always leave in appreciation for this visions offer of sanity. I think I'll just stop here with the grin this writing has left me with.

....patience

....so paul goodman has just jumped into my list of honest authors. He decided to share and so did I, "Patience is drawing on underlying forces;it is powerfully positive, though to a natural view it looks like just sitting it out. How would i persist against positive eroding forces if i were not drawing on invisible forces? And patience has a positive tonic effect on others; because of the presence of the patient person, they revive and go on, as if he were the gyroscope of the ship providing a stable ground. But the patient person himself does not enjoy it."

I really enjoy the honesty of this role, and the fact that it must be done.

means....or an end

so i'm kinda tired...but i dont know when its all supposed to come together and slow down.(don't worry i am aware that it actually doesnt,but one would hope) I guess a few hints at where im headed would be nice. i think thats a reasonable request, im not asking for the whole answer just a hint.Or is there a gate on the walls of your mind you could lead these worries to and release 'em for someone else to pick up. Not to be cruel to the next victim but its our choice to pick these idle things up or let them be.

A new life is what Ive been up to as of late...honestly it kinda takes up a bit of your time.
I'm not too sure what it looks like from an outside point of view but i hope its not too much of an eyesore while its under some moderate construction. So while all this is underway ill lean on the one heart that's never a risk....