release us....

tied up in my sheets, my future lies before me
as the fan flutters the pages loose, back and forth they blow.
its still in here...this book has stirred enough.
my thoughts entertain the choices of departure,
hesitance from a young obedience or plain fear, how do I know?
at times i wish my balance away, oh that i would finally fall...
and ill pick up the pieces of a fate decided.
Realized by a healing I cannot see, hope glistens as conscript listens to this plight.
I feel this fight for me. not much i can explain, as if i overheard from another room
in defense of me, the divine speaks towards the demonic's conceit. who am i to be fought for? are we all that different? together as elements to nurture or neglect, the children's mantle he will protect. my future is decided by the stand taken by generations past...

variance in the grey

A life without a past, a history or reputation. A lack of patience for explaining the particulars of choices made. A barrier between who they were and who they strive to be. Is freedom the white washing of memories made and mistakes replayed? A complete severance from what was and hopes to what is?

Apologies wasted on paper, good intentions left lacking and a cry for time to heal. Its all so aggregated through fear and locked tight with folded arms. Why is anyone surprised when those dearest to us is hurt, for they are by default closest in proximity to our mistakes....

all I know is that saying when is the hardest part.

holding fast

Pillar:def-A fundamental principle or practice; A vertical cylindrical structure standing alone.

Who decides who is going to be a pillar? Is it in our character? Were we forced into the decision by a parent's lack of stability? or is it in our genes?...My summation would be all of the above.
People say "oh, i have to be strong for this or that" but is that really whats on the order for the person they are being "strong" for?

Who do we help more when we make our attempts to be strong or available? Is it them or ourselves that receives the benefit? I try to find the balance in being of service and being strong for myself but am still confused in the why. I am tired and know its a lifestyle in a way but i need a break from "strength". Inclining my ear I wait to hear those words cry out to me....hold fast

"We only hear what we listen for..."

My thoughts bring around so much in a day...its all in release. I don't feel overwhelmed just conscious of the possibilities. Its when I reach out in the adversity I find my wholeness.

...it's always a mixed bag of emotions when you ever look back and read things that were your reality and now it's simply a limp you have grown accustomed to. An old writing that i can vividly remember where i was and what i was thinking in those moments...going back and forth with a friend of mine we took turns explaining each others plight. I started...

Sand, It's everywhere.
My skin blisters from it's gusty sting
The glare from the sun
Shields the answers from my sight
as I walk through the desert

I fight to stay above my fears that congregate
and dare not settle to impersonate
for those who point and say
'that desert will claim your fate.'

Yet my fears collaborate with my foe
and those who point at my desert
have chosen to make it their own
I will be free
Once this tempered hope makes it to my heart

They mock me with their comfortable,
superficial shade
and though the temptation draws on my weakness
of planting in the sand
My tired heart knows this desert is only for a season
So I must continue to stand...

emotions overcast...

So I wrote this a little while ago and still wonder why we choose to allow our emotions to dictate what we hear from ourselves and those around us. This state of disarray is easily remedied if we are objective but for a moment.



a thought, this thing that enters our mind when we wake. without having too much control of what that first one will be potentially sets the pace for our 16 hours of consciousness. well at least it does for me... ok, so im awake....now what? guess ill do whats expected and get ready for work (even though that doesnt answer my question). i mean who wants to add as part of their morning routine of freshly ironed clothes and mouthwash some overwhelming confusion to kick things off? well being aware of the foolishness of this question it still seems as though i do. of all the things to occupy my mind i choose uncertainty. emotions overcast my day...what is going on with me? i guess to borrow from an old author, "What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise." i know what i can be but tell me how am i supposed to get "there"?